“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
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I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
Every damn time
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
I hope it’s French Onion!
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.