Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
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My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
When can I start eating bats again.
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
Netflix and awkward silence?
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”