People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
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Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
In case you needed to hear it:
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.