2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
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This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Wednesday
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.