My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
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cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?