The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
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Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
There is no try. There is only give up.
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Happy weekend !
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
Not now. I’m deglazing.
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
Sing it!
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.