[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
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I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
men, we mow at sunrise.
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
Rich people don’t understand cereal
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence