What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
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The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org