Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
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[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn鈥檛 kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn鈥檛 exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 馃槀馃槀馃槀
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i鈥檒l wait
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names