What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
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I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.