me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
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*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Me trying to reach for my goals
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
j o i m p
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train