“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
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Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
Guantanamo Bae
All is fair in drunk and war.
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
#Caturday