Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
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*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
i want the dreams to chase me for once
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”