*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
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I was up all night reading about insomnia
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee