[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
You Might Also Like
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE