Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
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Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.