Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
You Might Also Like
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.