13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
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Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
when dads have a rap battle
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.