The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
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kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex