If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
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Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!