My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
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If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
Hot Hot Hot
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE