[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
You Might Also Like
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.