My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
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teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
You can’t rush stupid.
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.