A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
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“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
a badder mouse
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
I have a new favorite meme page
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.