How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
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The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
Message from the dog groomers
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies