Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
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CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.