Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
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Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
when you don’t want to be too vague
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
Hot hot hot 🥵
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
I bet birds love this building.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
groan^2
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours