*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
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If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?