The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
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You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else