When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
You Might Also Like
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
.. do you even science?
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
peeping toms
(by @ZachWeiner )
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants