the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
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Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
My work here is don’t.
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
LOL
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.