me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
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COME ON KRUSE #fencing
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean