Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
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I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
Beards are a privilege, not a right
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
E
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ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini