*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
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Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
#have a #great #PancakeDay
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!