Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
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I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.