Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
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“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave