when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
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Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.