wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
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[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT