I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
You Might Also Like
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”