Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
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If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”