him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
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I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
I love twitter
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.