A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
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I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”