Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
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[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think