I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
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Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
This is me 🤣🤣
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?