My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
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My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
OKAY DAD
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*