A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
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After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”