My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
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I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.