Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
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*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
“I took care of your clown problem.”
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun