Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
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The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
They did not think through this water fountain
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”