Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
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me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
me hooking up with my ex
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
the three branches of government
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.